What is PETA up to?

No organization in America can out do People for Ethical Treatment of Animals (PETA) in  garnering publicity for ugly antics and idiotic ideas.  Following in the footsteps of the radical feminists – who want to remove the word “man” from “mankind” to “manufacture” – PETA’s latest left-wing assault on the common language is proposed to take all references to animals out of our clichés.

They propose that “bringing home the bacon” should be replaced by “bringing home the bagels.”  How do Jews feel about that since they are most closely associated with the bagel?  I take particular offense to this idea because I LOVE bacon. Yeah, I know it clogs my arteries and I have to indulge in moderation – meaning about once a week as opposed to every breakfast.  On rare occasions, I even indulge myself in my favorte sandwich – and I am not speaking of one of those run-of-the-mill bacon, lettuce and tomato deals.  No. No. No.

Mine is a full one-pound of semi-crisp bacon pressed between two slices of Wonderbread slathered in Miracle Whip (not a mayo guy).  I do add a slice of beef steak tomato as a healthy supplement.  Hmmmm.  I suppose PETA will want me to rename the tomato – something like a “beat stalk” tomato.  That makes no sense, but neither does “beef steak.”

PETA proposes that we celebrate accomplishing two tasks in one effort by replacing “killing two birds with one stone” to “feeding two birds with one scone.”  It has a nice sound to it, but frankly, I like scones too much to feed them to birds. My feathered friends get Wonderbread – preservatives and all.  If you are into double-entendres, you could “feed two birds with one pita.”  I like that since PETA’s idea is for the birds, anyway.

For years … decades … maybe even centuries, we have been advised not to “put all our eggs in one basket.”  PETA suggest that we do not “put all our berries in one bowl.”  By extension, I assume the we can no long call our savings a “nest egg.”  Maybe we can call it our “silo share” or better yet – in keeping with the PITA theme — our “berry preserves.”

PETA’s ambition to re-write the English Language is not limited to clichés.  They want the English town of Wool to change its 1000-year-old name because it suggests cruelty to sheep.  They propose it be renamed “Vegan Wool.” That would suggest that we should only be cruel to vegan sheep – and hey, they are all vegans already.

Speaking of sheep, we often accused of being a “nation of sheep” – after the William Lederer 1961 book by the same name.  So, I guess we have to bow to both PETA and the feminists on this one and call ourselves “a nation of pandering persons.”

Weeeeell … you can just image what PETA thinks of the New York town of Fishkill.  You do not have to imagine, however.  They will tell you.  According to PETA (People Engaged in Textual Asininity), the town should be renamed “Fishsave.”  In the original context, “kill” actually means creek, but don’t tell the folks at PETA.  If you do, then also educate them on the fact that “wool” – as the town in England — is Saxon for “well” or “spring.”  Just that no one speaks Saxon any more.

You can see where this is going.  No more “dog days of summer,” “hogging the blanket,” “horsing around,” “fishing for a compliment” or “cat houses.”  Speaking of felines, I hope this means an end to all those “pussy” references at those feminist rallies – including those silly pink knit pussy hats.

I wonder if PETA will go after the sports teams for all those animal names.  Rams … eagles … tigers … bears … cubs … seahawks … panthers … and on and on.

I could go on with additional examples of PETA’s “offensive” references to animals and suggested upgrades in the language, but I prefer to leave that up to the readers.  Besides, time for me to pig out at lunch.

If you are so inspired, I would love to hear your suggestions for replacing references to animals with more politically correct terms.  And do not worry if your suggestions are really stupid.  You will be very much in keeping with PETA.

So, there ‘tis.